In the desert I had found my way

It is a bit of irony that I was drowning is listless days with stress and anxiety taking it's toll on my body, mind and spirit.  That I lived this way for decades slowly eroding as rock formations do when water forces them to bow to the forceful flow of current, all while surrounded by fertile land with continuous precipitation, humid air and barometric pressure...actually all forms of pressure.  

There was the pressure in the physical air but then there was also the social and internal pressure from day-to-day expectations living in this culture of religious impressions and high standards of fiscal living. The cost to exist in this region was a high price in so many ways.  The fact that we lived daily with over involvement and knowledge of every detail of every mistake our adult children could make, that we knew of the disagreement we were constantly striving against with the views of most people we encountered, especially those within our family, this made the blessings of that fertile land more of an anchor around our necks.  Yes, we were drowning and had been treading water as best we could for so long that we were wearing down and ready to go under any minute.

That was when all the events came together at one moment to open up the passage and give us a glimpse into the desert.

I began writing this post on January 22, 2018.  Five years ago.  I am in awe that I write this current portion of the post back here again, back in this area, so far from the desert I came to love.

So much has happened in these years.  The tragedies have been many more than the joys.  We returned just over four months ago to move into a rancher on a cul de sac in a central location to all of the family here.  Our granddaughter lives with us now so the three of us make a different form of family than we expected.  We arrived with just over a week before we said our final goodbye to my father in law.  It is only my parents remaining, though we said we would stay until they passed.  Some days I believe we can do that, then there are others when I wonder if we have what it takes to fulfill that commitment.

The lessons we learned, the stamina we found in those desert dwelling years, they seem to be evaporating like the dew on the cactus from a morning of sunshine.  The pressure I mentioned in the beginning of this post has been building again, relentlessly pressing us down.  

I am just not sure where this is heading.  I don't understand how we will be five years from this point, but I know we will try to be in a better place, a better state, a better space.  At least we can look forward to our promise of an eternity of peace once this portion of the journey ends, that is all we can look forward to sometimes.

I believe I need to change my location and details for this blog.  

We aren't in that desert anymore.