Wednesday, April 5, 2023

In the desert I had found my way

It is a bit of irony that I was drowning is listless days with stress and anxiety taking it's toll on my body, mind and spirit.  That I lived this way for decades slowly eroding as rock formations do when water forces them to bow to the forceful flow of current, all while surrounded by fertile land with continuous precipitation, humid air and barometric pressure...actually all forms of pressure.  

There was the pressure in the physical air but then there was also the social and internal pressure from day-to-day expectations living in this culture of religious impressions and high standards of fiscal living. The cost to exist in this region was a high price in so many ways.  The fact that we lived daily with over involvement and knowledge of every detail of every mistake our adult children could make, that we knew of the disagreement we were constantly striving against with the views of most people we encountered, especially those within our family, this made the blessings of that fertile land more of an anchor around our necks.  Yes, we were drowning and had been treading water as best we could for so long that we were wearing down and ready to go under any minute.

That was when all the events came together at one moment to open up the passage and give us a glimpse into the desert.

I began writing this post on January 22, 2018.  Five years ago.  I am in awe that I write this current portion of the post back here again, back in this area, so far from the desert I came to love.

So much has happened in these years.  The tragedies have been many more than the joys.  We returned just over four months ago to move into a rancher on a cul de sac in a central location to all of the family here.  Our granddaughter lives with us now so the three of us make a different form of family than we expected.  We arrived with just over a week before we said our final goodbye to my father in law.  It is only my parents remaining, though we said we would stay until they passed.  Some days I believe we can do that, then there are others when I wonder if we have what it takes to fulfill that commitment.

The lessons we learned, the stamina we found in those desert dwelling years, they seem to be evaporating like the dew on the cactus from a morning of sunshine.  The pressure I mentioned in the beginning of this post has been building again, relentlessly pressing us down.  

I am just not sure where this is heading.  I don't understand how we will be five years from this point, but I know we will try to be in a better place, a better state, a better space.  At least we can look forward to our promise of an eternity of peace once this portion of the journey ends, that is all we can look forward to sometimes.

I believe I need to change my location and details for this blog.  

We aren't in that desert anymore.



Monday, August 21, 2017

Biker Church

We went to this biker church here in Albuquerque once, there were people there wearing thier cuts. If you're not familiar with that term it means the vests with the logo and name of the motorcycle gang the rider was affiliated with. Once you got your cut you were sure never to ride without displaying it. It was a tradition, a law in this circle.
There was a varied selection represented, but they were all intermingled here.
There was a cross on the wall made of motorcycle tail pipes. There were tatoos, ponytails, leather, blue jeans and beards.
The faces clearly showed a story behind each one but upon making eye contact you could also see a brokenness, and quiet unexpected joy set deep in the spirit if the bearer.
Someone called everyone to their seat, and a tangible sense of reverence blanketed the room. 
This would be the moment, in any other church, when a few beautiful people would head up to the front with instruments and begin singing and playing familiar tunes to create an atmosphere of worship towards God.
At least that would be the intention. 
In those traditional or charismatic churches there would be smiling faces who clapped and enjoyed this warm up exercise for the service.
There may also be those distracted, playing with their phones, talking to their neighbor but still part of that warm up atmosphere. 
This moment in the biker church was unlike any other service I had ever attended. It had so little in common with all of those services.
There was no stage here, there were no instruments, there was no leader no band. 
There was a projection of the lyrics for the song directed to the front from a laptop. The song was familiar, current, beautiful and incredibly meaningful.
Images of water and the ocean layered behind the lyrics to flow with the song.
The most stunning moment was as the music began to play the quietness that settled so heavily on the room - then the lyrics started showing and the voices that came out of these bodies to form a collective whole; attention paid directly to a God that they were in awe of.  It was just completely amazing.
When I say amazing that word is sometimes misused overused and misunderstood, but this was the absolute definition of amazing.
The sound of these voices was angelic because it was so pure and so sincere.
There were no distracted people, there was no fidgeting, there was just this intensely warm and loving melody originating deeply from within a group of people in awe of the realization that they had the opportunity to know the one true almighty God. 
These rough riders who had seen thier share of violence, pain, and suffering, they were now standing in a place if healing, forgiveness, mercy and grace.
They sang as if there was nothing that could force them to hold it in. They were exuberant with peace and submission.
This settled sense seemed to create an eruption of joy and tears of freedom that rolled down their faces, faces which held no shame.
When was the last time you actually saw in another person or you yourself ever felt absolutely no shame.
The facial expression is hard to put in words there's no definitions that do it justice.

I know though that I will never forget those faces, that sound, and that sensation of thickness and heaviness that was so comforting yet brought me to my knees before this God whom I am thrilled to know is most definitely real indeed.



Thursday, June 29, 2017

passing away

A friend passed away several years ago, cancer took her from us.
As I type that statement and as I read over these lines I found in a piece I wrote shortly after her death I wonder if this is accurate.  I realize that it wasn't so much that she was taken as she knew it was time to go, and she gently left us.


The shallow breath has no force to mist the mirror, it reveals the pale fragile moment before the breath completely ceases to provide the spirit with life.
The chemicals have attempted to destroy the invasion of thieving monsters.  
The surgeon had attacked the mass and cut away the poisoned flesh. 
The pinpointed burn of the cells with radioactive precision has lessened the strength to carry the remaining portion of what was considered Vicki.

Her name, the original meaning is victorious; this victory is not celebrated with pomp and cheer, this victory only surrenders to a softly spoken peace.

How do those who have loved her, held her, grip her- let her go?  How do we release her into darkness when we are assured by her that she herself is embracing the purest of light?

It is all selfish, this refusal to let go.  It is all due to our craving for her connection to remain tangible, physical, continuous.

Then, when saying farewell, when gathering to mourn- we see her eyes closed, her skin pale, and her form lifeless, thin and hollow- but her mouth...is that actually a subtle curve of a smile?


Monday, June 26, 2017

tonight...

He breathes deeply as his body relaxes,
he is exhausted of all momentum that propelled him through this day.
He snores, a sign of full surrender, he is at rest, as I.
This day has seen both stillness and fluster-
I will allow the thick darkness of the night air to tuck me in on all sides,
as I used to swaddle our children.
We have come to rest here
in this moment of temporary completion,
of succession,
of contentment - tonight.

BettyK
October 1, 2007





Friday, June 23, 2017

Please be careful out there

This is a re-post of an entry I made in 2011.  I am posting it to remind people that we still need to be aware of our surroundings!  As we have moved to Albuquerque we see so many more transient people and we have been exposed to so many more situations, it is just a good reminder to be aware of current criminal behavior and crime patterns to watch out for in your area.  When there are multiple crimes with similar details you can prepare yourself to be increasingly cautious concerning those settings or types of individuals.  There is no need to walk in complete fear, yet there is wisdom in knowing what to watch out for and action you can take to remain safe.  I hope this story of what happened to me helps you be aware of details and safer in your daily routine.

BettyK


I had a strange occurrence at the grocery store yesterday.
I was by myself and a little in a rush so sort of distracted when a man approached me and asked if I would buy him some food.  He looked a little lean and rough so I thought he was just down on his luck as they say & needed a little help.  I asked him what he was looking for and he told me some items like beans etc. and I just said why don't I just give him some cash to get what he needs & I just gave him a $10.  He seemed bothered by that, but I took it as he was embarrassed to take just money.  He tried to talk to me a bit, asking what I do and some other questions, but I tried to go on my way and told him have a really nice day & moved myself along.

Before I knew it he was in front of me again, asking if I would just take him through the line with him and buy him stuff- I said I was in a hurry & really needed to go, he got a little agitated again & said "I really want you to just go through the line with me and buy my stuff" then I more firmly said I need to go & this wasn't an option.

I thought I was clear & this was a little strange but wasn't registering to me. Then I get up to the checkout line and as I turn to get my last item he is right there, with others behind him so I think he had cut in to get right next to me and he is close enough so it looks like we are together & he starts talking to me of young women being abducted and tortured and many other statements I won't write - then starts telling me something of what he thinks of a woman who would be captured and raped & tortured for days & I am looking to the checkout guy- a very young guy- and I am pleading with him with my eyes for help.

I acted like I needed to talk to the checkout guy but quickly mention to this man that people who do things like that need Jesus & he sort of takes off & leaves but makes sure he leaves by coming up behind me an 'squeezing' behind my body to get out of the isle.

As he walks away I ask the store clerk for help & he gets a bigger store clerk with a little more age on him to walk me to my car. I tell him some of what this man was saying so he calls the police- he asks me if I see him and there he was- at the other store exit getting on a 10 speed bike looking over then riding out of the parking lot over to the Taco Bell.  I felt so sick inside- I got in my car, locked my doors & got home.

As I related to my husband what happened I really started to shake & cry, I realized some of the things this guy did- he was trolling for a target.

He had a bottle of mustard in his hand when he approached me and appeared like he was looking for something to purchase in the store so he wouldn't stand out- but when he approached me there were others in my area, 2 couples, and 2 individual men- yet he approached me and when he did he seemed to try to draw me to the side by his manner of talking & movements, placing the mustard on the shelf out of place from another isle, I think he was carrying this because it was small and easy to put away- I wasn't thinking then so I didn't notice this detail.

He was trying to get me to come through the line with him and buy his food because he wanted to follow me out to my car- this took him asking 3 times to do this before I realized why he may want to yet then I still didn't comprehend why he may want to do this.

When he was talking to me as he cornered me at the checkout he seemed like he was really loosing his opportunity with me so he got blatent with his thoughts and said the most uncomfortable & scary things- and seemed like he was trying to find a way to still get me to go out to my car & he get a chance to follow me...I realize as I think through his actions & words I was looking a very dangerous person in the eyes.  I want to caution all of you but also wanted to get a description of him on here in case any of you encounter such a guy.  As I said the store clerk was calling the police but as he was this guy was riding off on a bike and by time they go t there I am sure could have been long gone.

This was at Giant Market on Columbia ave.  He has brownish hair with a slight dark red tint to it- he had rough sort of burly hair & it was a little to his shoulders, he had a beard and green eyes I believe. He was on the lean side but still strong enough looking, about early to mid 30's I think in age, was hard to tell that. He was wearing a med blue pair pf shorts that were it seems inside out. I think he was also wearing a hat of some sort. He also had a med blue sweatshirt on & was a little dirty looking.

SO I hate to post this but at the same time- I really cannot write how this shook me, I don't want to be dramatic but I feel like I was stalked by a person who intends to or may have already done serious harm.  I am contacting the store today to see how things went with the police and then contacting the police to be sure they have the description of the guy and my statement.

Please be cautious when shopping, lock your car, watch who is around you, try not to go alone esp. towards evening- this was just around 5:30 for me.

Be aware, be peaceful and stay safe!

BettyK

Fault Finding

The blame game.  We all can get quite good at that one.  It is an ancient characteristic ingrained in humanity to look for someone to blame other than ourselves.  It has happened in monumental situations that have changed the course of history, and it happens in everyday life as young as those toddler years when we use shifting blame to get out of punishment or responsibility.
I know this quote is from Dave Ramsey; a financial advisor, but it can easily be a quote used to coach someone in most other areas of life as well.


Do we like to search for where we went wrong, for the root cause of a season of struggle we have been in for way too long?  Isn't it easier to just complain about the difficulty and focus on the pain or mess we are in rather than actually do what this quote is saying? How often we like to think we get to the source of our fault in a manner where we deceive ourselves into thinking the fault we have actually stems from another person's action towards us.  We can entirely miss actual reality and create our own version of the story we are living out.  We can run along thinking we are so productive, and so together, yet we could miss the actual point that would change our course and put us in a position to in fact become truly productive and definitely more put together.

Today I write these words wondering where am I at financially, relationally, emotionally and intellectually.   Have I followed a pattern in any of these areas of life that if I take a moment to look over time; I can see some unhealthy choices or mistaken steps that have been my fault and how these actions have created a pattern in my life?

Financially - Can I see spending or saving patterns that I could possibly change?  Do I see an inner view of finances that has actually stunted me from growing in financial security?  Am I taking responsibility for my actions, or lack of action, that may be creating a stagnant financial situation in my life?

Relationally - Are there people in my history that were not the best fit for my life yet I chose to connect or interweave our lives together?  If I look over time can I see a pattern of this type of person repeat itself in my friendships?  In my partnerships?  I my employment choices?

Emotionally - Can I look over my life and see how I have handled events emotionally; have I developed and grown, or have I deteriorated and flailed in the midst of life's bumps and turns?  Who do I turn to for emotional support?  To whom do I give emotional support?  Where do I seek emotional instruction and development?

Intellectually - Do I see the pattern of growth in my intellect over my life?  Have a continued to seek knowledge and understanding as I have grown? Or did I quit a long time ago and wallow in unintelligent circles where there was no challenge to my thoughts or skills?  Do I understand my worth and see my value to others around me and this world in general?


When we were children we were taught to look for patterns in early elementary school. They say understanding how to look for patterns helps a child find a sense of order in everyday life.  Have you continued to look for patterns as you have grown up, or have you become dull and unaware of patterns right before your eyes?  I encourage you to look for current patterns, but as I mentioned earlier, look for those past patterns that may be able to give you insight as to where you may have misdirected your travels.  Be brave and willing to alter your course.

Know that as we see where we have continued in the wrong direction there is still hope to find our way- all we have to do is redirect our steps as we recognize the need to do so.  If your life were a giant maze and you realized going down a certain hall over and over you only hit a wall, then you would chose a different hall to see if you could find the path that led you out to freedom.

Now if you had no idea you were in this maze you may just repeatedly go down that same hall because it was familiar and you felt safe doing so, but you would never get out of the maze and achieve the final freedom.  Today you are aware of the need to reevaluate and steer the course of your life with responsibility. You are aware of the maze.  Embrace this moment to actually gain footing and choose your path.

May these words find you encouraged, and challenged today and in the life-filled days ahead.

BettyK













Wednesday, June 21, 2017

If I could be her voice

The following are some thoughts jotted down this week, they may reveal why I have not been writing publicly as much for some time.  I leave them here, I'm open for feedback.
Thank you
BettyK
_______________________________________________________

If I could be her voice

If I could write for her, if I could be her voice; what could possibly be said?

This beautiful, creative, brilliant child has become a somber, hollow, hopeless girl.  She has a sadness in her eyes.  She has less heart to her laugh, whenever she allows her laugh to surface.

This woman that gave birth to her; she should have never been given the ability to procreate, but then again if that were so we would not have the joy of this beautiful girl in our world.  This woman was broken from the beginning.  She was damaged by her own mother and seemed to never have a chance, until she met him.  He wanted to come along and save her.  He saw her beauty and thought if he could love her enough the tragedy could be erased and she could become a strong and loving woman, defeating the odds against her.  

He was never more mistaken than in those decisions he made regarding her.

Therefore, even with his noble intentions, more destruction would come.  She would tear at him, rip his heart apart, psychologically break him down and work diligently to attempt to remove all his manhood that she possibly could.

There would be fights that would go on for hours, then some for days.  There would be physical abrasions that he would cover up but the erosion to his spirit and core of who he was eventually became visible to all who knew him.

She knew how to work people.  She was skilled at manipulating the system.  She could make you feel like she was the victim even when the physical evidence proved otherwise. There was something that would overcome you and all you would want to do was sooth her and care for her.  It was mesmerizing; people around her could be coerced into protecting her while she was victimizing and the sensation to help her was compelling to the point of powerlessness.

There were moments that I would like to believe that she was genuine. but after being fooled then seeing the truth so many times I finally realize I am truly unable to comprehend what is in her mind at any time.  Too often I have secretly, and fearfully thought; I wonder if I am looking at the eyes of a killer in the making.  I fear she will do harm that cannot be taken back and that afterward all who are around her will look back and see she should have been stopped. In seeing this I believe people will also realize that no one would be capable of doing this when needed.  

When the drugs became commonplace that was when the real ugliness of her heart became everyday expressions.  So much pain, so much sorrow.  Her swarm of pain and suffering did not just affect the two of them, remember that beautiful girl I mentioned in the beginning, she was born around a year after they were married. This beautiful helpless perfect baby girl, wrapped in a soft pink blanket and smiling with her eyes closed came into our world.  It is an unfathomable tragedy that such innocence came through such a vessel as her mother. 

Someday she will have to know it all, for now she knows enough from her first-hand experiences of abuse and neglect from this woman who calls herself her mother.  Someday though she will probably need to know how her mother would wail and cry hysterically and punch herself in the stomach repeatedly screaming her hatred for this unborn baby and how she wanted to make it die- she would cry out how she just could not be pregnant anymore. She may have to learn how her mother would stand at the top of our stairs and cry out how she wanted to throw herself down to miscarry as she heard that would possibly kill her child.  

Some day she may hear about the day she was born.  She may hear that so much of her extended joyous family came in to take turns holding her, and getting pictures of her, and expressing how beautiful and precious she was.  If her father or I dare to tell her she will also know that after all who loved her left for the day, and after the photos even captured her mother and father both worn out but looking at her adoringly as well, after this eventful day; the darkness would come. As I now look back over those photos of that day I realize her father was looking at her adoringly, her mother was looking at him like she finally had him under her power for good. I didn’t see this until years later as I was revisiting those pictures and that day.

In the very early morning hours when it was still considered night she would go into hysterics and rip apart everything in the hospital room.  Thankfully the baby was already taken to the nursery for the mother to get some sleep, but she used her energy to scream, and throw, and push, and create a scene that shocked even the medical staff.  I arrived and the nurses just motioned for me to go on back to the room, they had no words for me.  He was beside himself and at a total loss of his own.  He knew her actions were startling to the hospital staff and they even seemed powerless to her anger and violent outbursts.  I was awakened unexpectedly when he had called me to come in, I was not prepared for what I'd see.  He was trying to pick up her debris, he was like a lost child, I saw his look at me as a cry for me to please help him make this stop.

She was relatively calm by the time I arrived on the scene.  She was breathing like an animal that just strolled away from a grueling match with another creature.  But she was done with the physical exertions and verbal outbursts.  She was saying repeatedly, I can't do this.  This was where I wish most that I acted differently, my response that night would come to change the course of the rest of all our lives.  

The staff asked if I would be willing to take responsibility to make sure this baby was safe.  They needed to know someone outside of these parents would be willing to do this as they stated, “in order for them to feel comfortable letting this child go home with her father”.  I now know that what I should have said was she needed a psych evaluation, can't you see she’s crazy?  I should have said she needed admittance and this child to solely be cared for by her father.  They failed all of us there at the hospital.  They were scared to death to deal with this woman, and that would not be the first time those who should have had the power to stop her were powerless regarding her.

Oh, if I had only known what would lay ahead in all our lives I would have chosen differently than I did at that crucial moment.  But I didn't know what was ahead, I couldn't see it.  I thought he just wanted his baby girl so much, and that he was strong enough to take care of all of them.  I hoped this was still just a moment of pain that would soon be long forgotten, so I said I would take that responsibility, there is almost no regret I have stronger than this one from that night.

As I sit here filling these pages with this story I know our beautiful girl is being interviewed by a caseworker about the 'altercation' involving her mother yesterday.  My heart is so heavy.  She is only eleven years old now but these eleven years have been more than filled with heartache, trauma, sorrow and so very little joy.  

Her mother has held her like a possession and refused her freedom in spite efforts over the years by her father and various advocates.  Remember, she knows how to work the system. 

That person that identifies herself as her mother has pushed her, hit her, screamed at her, and terrorized her.  She had held her by the ankle as a baby and put her in danger more ways than I can speak of and now she has drug her by the leg, spit in this child's face and declared repeatedly with such hatred that she promises to make the next seven years of this beautiful girl's life a living hell.  

That is all she wants to do with her; there is no love, nurturing, not a breath of humanity in her for this child.  Her motives are not mistaken anymore, the manipulative tears that were once used to hide her evil intentions don't work so she doesn't make any more attempts with those of us close enough to know the truth.  We see her pure intent is to control, torment, and possess this little girl as a mere object to practice her hatred and domination on.

How do I really give this child a voice?  I could go into the gory details of abuse and neglect, because what I have divulged here is nothing compared to the many other moments of affliction.  I could go into the many ways the system has failed to protect her and has rather stripped her of safety, security, dignity and hope.  These things are not my place to reveal right now, they are for her to tell as she will need to in time.  I am sure there will come a day when she is in a coffee shop writing her own story of her ugly and sorrow filled childhood, and it will hopefully bring her closure, and peace.

Yes, I think I am supposed to leave that for her.

For now, all I can do is continue to fight for her to be free from the grip of this woman who identifies as her mother in any way I gain opportunity to do so.  I stay in communication with the children as much as they are available as the courts have ordered a shared custody where they alternate spending weeks living with mother then father back and forth.  I believe the way I have reported events to the authorities immediately as I hear them will hopefully provoke them to act on these concerns and rescue this beautiful girl, and her little brother as well.  These exhausting calls of reporting and restating the truth are bound to gain the children freedom from her someday soon, each intake worker that hears me and says they will do something gives me hope there will be an end.  

I try to stay in contact with the children as much as I possibly can, we now live so far apart, but I will not stop trying.  I have become strong enough to deny any tugs at my heart to pity this mother whenever events or words concerning her are relayed to me in attempts to invoke sympathy for her 'plight'.  Sympathy is not allowed to surface in any way concerning her, she is entitled to absolutely none. 

When I do have the opportunity to talk with this beautiful girl I remind her of those who really do love her, I tell her how I hate what she has had to go through. I tell her how I hate how powerless we have been with all of this, her life. But I also tell her that I know, she is going to be okay.  I know she will be past all this ugliness someday, and she will be free from this season of pain and suffering.  We talk of how I look forward to having her come visit us, to have her with us again, and she agrees.  She says how much she wishes for this too but she reveals how she has no hope or expectation any of this will ever really happen.

She is enrolled in a great school because of her father, and they have been advocates fighting for her as well.  They see the truth.  They protect her when she’s there and they look the mother in the eye when it is her weeks to have custody, they are sure to relay a clear message of protection for this beautiful girl.  It is shocking when people hear our story of how the system is willing to protect the rights of an abusive and neglectful parent who even has violent tendencies with others only because she identifies as the mother of these children.  It is excellent that a mother’s rights are so guarded, but the blind eyes to those mothers who actually abuse those rights, this is a tragedy.

I know her father loves her so dearly, and I know he is so grieved when he doesn’t have her with him, I can't help wishing though that I had the means to have her come live with us, that we had the money or the power to break this woman's grip over her and have her come and be with us now.  I could see her spend these next years with us healing, and growing and enjoying life- as a child should.

Instead, here I sit, waiting to hear what will come next.